I just don’t get why so many people are unrepentant ass holes.
Trust me, I’ve tried. Anyone who has ever aspired to be a writer worth their weight in salt will tell you they have spent no shortage of time trying to crawl into the head space of other people. Whether it’s a fictional character or an honest to God actual human being, trying to understand someone’s ambitions and fears and bias is a huge part of the job. It’s usually what separates the cream from the crop in the writing world.
People watching and studying human evil has become something of a glorified hobby of mine as a result, so I’ve tried to understand why some people are such inconsiderate, genuine ass hats when it comes to spoilers. But I keep coming up with a grand canyon sized zero, so if anyone else has any ideas please feel free to send them my way.
If you’ve guessed that I’m talking about Avengers: Endgame (perhaps the biggest movie event this century), congratulations, you win the No-Prize (rest in peace Stan Lee). Dodging spoilers usually isn’t an issue because I almost always see movies the day of release (I sometimes even score advance tickets), but Endgame was a different beast altogether. The Internet pretty much laughed at me when I tried to buy tickets at the beginning of the month, ticket selling sites were crashing the world over and soon the only place you could find a legal way in was on Ebay for beyond obscene prices. And that was weeks before the movie even opened.
So, like millions of others, I spent the first few days after Endgame hit theatres dodging online spoilers like Neo dodging bullets in the Matrix. I navigated the world wide web with cautious paranoia, and if anything was even remotely Endgame related I scrolled past it at light speed (usually shouting “begone!” at the top of my lungs). But even that wasn’t enough.
Because some people just seem bent on being douchebags.
My first brush came Saturday morning at 1 in the AM. I popped onto Youtube to listen to one of my music playlists while doing some late night writing and wouldn’t you know it, there was an entire category of spoiler revealing videos right at the top of the home page. And worse yet, they had very informative titles in very bold type attached to them. Before I could safely pass them I had one very high profile death ruined for me. The goddamn movie hadn’t even been out for 36 hours and some idiots were already spreading spoilers on the world’s largest video sharing site.
Make no mistake, there were plenty of videos on Endgame as early as the Wednesday before it came out. There were reviews, analysis and general fan talk, but responsible posters and content providers kept titles pretty generic and pasted “SPOILER” all over the place. Uber-nerd Kevin Smith took flak from some of the masses for his extensive, hour long commentary on Endgame, but Smith did slap spoiler alerts on the damn thing about 37 times before he got into the nitty gritty. Anyone who kept watching/reading and then bitched about the spoilers they were warned about are the kind of person that probably speed up when they see a “bridge out” sign ahead. Plummeting to your death is pretty much on you at that point. But way too many others were just shoving spoilers in our unsuspecting, collective face.
My second brush came on Facebook later that afternoon when I popped into a Star Trek: Discovery message board to keep tabs on a particular conversation I was following. A conversation that had absolutely nothing to do with Avengers: Endgame. A conversation that was light years from anything Endgame related. And wouldn’t you goddamn know it, someone was dropping Endgame spoilers in every thread they could. And the MoFu was insidious about it too, not even mentioning the title of the film until the second or third line. When I finally got to see it Sunday afternoon, I was speaking to an usher who told me the same thing was happening in sports forums.
Sports. F*cking. Forums. Because douchebags.
And you just know that there plenty of inbred morons using their greasy little fingers to spoiler-bomb sites on bonsai trees and bee keeping and cow husbandry and anything else just to be the best ass holes they could be.
I didn’t go near Twitter for almost a week and spoilers still slipped through my precautionary cracks. They were like a virus that could penetrate even the best firewall.
The Internet wasn’t the only problem. There was a guy in Hong Kong who got his ass kicked because he decided to shout spoilers at people lined up to get in. Now while I’d like to claim the moral high road and condemn the use of violence, I’d be lying if I said I wish I couldn’t have gotten a shot or two in myself.
This is the biggest first world problem on the planet. There are far, far bigger challenges facing this globe of ours than an apparent legion of grade A jerk-wads who get off on ruining highly anticipated movies for people who couldn’t get in on opening night. But that’s kind of the point.
Movies are an escape. I invest plenty of time following whatever ’s unfolding in the world and coming away depressed, angry and genuinely terrified more often than I’d like to admit. Movies and books and TV are a desert island I can retreat to so my soul can decompress and recharge. They are a virtual Fortress of Solitude if you like. Some people go for walks, some garden, others knit Afghan rugs or stuff moose heads. But plenty of us watch TV and movies, particularly the genre kind.
But now that’s being taken from us by walking, talking snot wipes.
Now this is the part where some brain surgeon is going say “well you should’t have gone on the Internet if you didn’t want spoilers” because this is the blame game, finger pointing culture we live in. But the truth is we can’t just avoid the Internet; it’s a part of our daily lives now. And as we’ve seen, even if you just wanted to check out hockey scores or baseball lineups or Tiger damn Woods fan page, there’s a good chance some jack-off was spreading spoilers there.
So what do people got out of it? What’s the point? What was that guy in Hong Kong thinking just before being handed his ass? Was it something along the lines of “this should be really fun” just before the throat punches started?
There is of course the line from The Dark Knight about some men just wanting to watch the world burn. Is that all it is? A bunch of miserable wretches who derive legitimate joy by spoiling things for other people? Is this the 21st century equivalent of the bullies getting on the school bus and screaming at the top of their lungs that there’s no Santa?
Is it a matter that people simply can’t exercise self control, reasonable restraint or decency online? Or are there just too many ass holes who own keyboards? Are spoilers just a matter of life now, no matter how hard we try to avoid them?
Because if that’s the case, a lot more people are going to get their asses kicked.
Image via www.ign.com
