I Am Now Officially Done With The Transformers Franchise
Director: Michael Bay
Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Sir Anthony Hopkins, Laura Haddock, Isabela Moner, Josh Duhamel, Jerrod Carmichael, Stanley Tucci, John Tuturro and Peter Cullen
Studio: Paramount Pictures
Rated: 14A
Running Time: 2 Hrs, 29 Mins
I’ve never made a secret of my childhood love for Transformers. And I’ve been pretty honest that that fierce, nostalgic love was the only reason I grudgingly approved of/tolerated the last three Transformers movies. That childhood affection was the only reason I was able to deal with the clumsy plodding from one action scene to the next, the nonsensical plots and terrible acting. It even allowed me to stomach the vague racism and the hyper-sexualizing of a teenage girl (but man did those leave a bad taste in my mouth). But after the fifth installment, Transformers: the Last Knight, I am officially done. I’m out. Not even my nostalgia for one of the favourite things from my childhood can blind me to this franchise’s gargantuan warts any longer.
Once welcome on Earth, the Transformers are now illegal everywhere on the planet (save Cuba). The governments of the world have created the TRF, an elite military force dedicated to tracking and either destroying or imprisoning Transformers. While Optimus Prime wanders the stars in search of his creator, his remaining Autobots hide in Cade Yeagger’s (Mark Wahlberg) junkyard in the Dakota Badlands. While Transformer refugees keep landing on Earth, the shattered ruins of the war ravaged Cybertron is on an impending collision course with Earth.
Yeagger soon finds himself in the crosshairs of both the TRF and astronomer Sir Edmund Burton (Sir Anthony Hopkins), who reveals the world’s secret history. The Transformers have almost always been here and have influenced human history since the dark ages, and that reality holds the key to protecting the Earth from being devoured by a Cybertron desperate to live again. A Cybertron now championed by a corrupted Optimus Prime.
You know, The Last Knight actually wasn’t the worst entry in this franchise, but it was guilty of an even worse crime. It was boring. My god was it boring. Half way through, even with the explosions and the giant robots throwing punches on screen you’re yawning and glancing at your watch waiting for the end credits. At least if it had been horrible it would have been memorable. But it is just plain . . .forgettable.
I understand they were trying to inject new life into the story (Paramount and Bay bragged about the shiny new writer’s room that was going to write the best Transformers story ever!) but with every movie they rewrite their mythos more and more, pushing the time that Transformers actually encountered Earth and their interaction with humanity further and further back. It was the Ice Age. No, it was the Neolithic Age. No, they actually discovered Earth during the reign of the dinosaurs but they also helped King Arthur build Camelot and defat the Nazis and enough already. Would it have been so hard to tell an original story in ay of these movies without rewriting human history? Just once?
I have to admit, I truly felt bad for the actors (I hope they were all getting paid well). Wahlberg (who has mused he may be done with this franchise) looks bored and Duhamel spends the entire time looking like he regrets his decision to come back. Laura Haddock is wooden as the new eye-candy/love interest and Anthony Hopkins is completely wasted here. He is miles from the subtly menacing genius we saw in Westworld.
There are characters who just kind of wander in with little explanation and even less relevance. And while they’re running, bantering, shooting and jumping away from any one of the three million explosions, you keep asking yourself why they’re here and why you care about them. Megatron is back (voiced by his original vice actor, the legendary Frank Welker), and while there was plenty of effort made to make him look menacing and mean, he’s a supporting character at best with minimal screen time and little impact on the plot. There are a few chuckles here and there, but nothing substantial and the movie’s few moments of levity feel forced and ultimately fall flat. And you’ll probably forget the plot five minutes after you’ve left the theatre.
It fails to keep your attention for more than twenty minutes let alone the entire two and a half hour length and like every movie before it, the final action sequence is longer than a trip to the dentist (and its equally painful). And so much of it is absolutely pointless.
The end teases a sixth movie and everyone involved promises a whole slew of spinoffs from this one (Bumblebee’s standalone movie is scheduled for release next year). It looks like film number six will be going to go back to the very beginnings of the entire planet for the next story (there was pretty much no other period in history left to visit). Yet all the credit my nostalgic affection had earned for this franchise is over and I have zero appetite for any further Transformers movies (and I held out longer than most). It is a shame because if Wonder Woman has proven anything, it’s that properly done movie can re-energize an entire property. They could have done that here.
But instead they decided to rely on the same formula of fantastic effects hobbled by underwhelming storytelling and explosion porn. Sooner or later that formula is going to wear out its welcome.
Image: Paramount Pictures
